PATHOLOGICAL NAIVETE: The Fairy Tale Believer

 

The Allegory of the Snake




A snake is lying in the middle of a dark road on a cold, frosty night, slowly dying from exposure and hunger.  A young woman is walking down the road when she encounters the snake by nearly stepping on him.  Predictably, the snake hisses and coils up.  But then, considering his predicament, he thinks better of the attack and instead calls out to the woman.  "Please help me! I'm so cold and hungry!  Take me home with you and let me warm myself by the fire".  The woman shrinks back and exclaims, "No, I certainly won't! You're a snake and you will bite me."
     The snake uncoils itself and lies on its back pitifully and beseeches the girl "No, no I won't. I'd be grateful. I wouldn't bite you.  Just pick me up and slide me in your pocket where it's warm and take me home so that I won't die in the cold dark night on this road all alone."  In spite of the snake's sharp glistening fangs and cold, scaly appearance, the woman takes pity on him, and does in fact pick him up and slide him in her pocket.  "Thank you!" the snake calls out cuddling down deep into her pocket.
     When she arrives home she takes off her coat and starts a fire.  Then she reaches into her pocket to take the snake out and let him warm himself.
     The snake immediately strikes, sinking its venom-drenched fangs into her wrist.  The woman cries out in pain and throws the snake on the floor as she falls.  "Why have you don't this to me??!!! You have killed me!"  The snake slithers over to the hearth and curls up by the fire, as he listens to the woman's cries of pain. He flexes his scales and shrugs off the woman's cries with disinterest . . . "You knew what I was," said the snake, "I am a snake - it is my nature."

Pathological Naivete

     The woman clearly knew what the snake was.  He made no effort to conceal his nature.  As soon as she encountered him, he coiled up and hissed ready to strike.  In spite of this, she allowed her choices to be guided by his words - words that did not match his actions, and tucked him in her pocket and took him home where - as we all expected, he bit her.
     Her actions bely what I'm going to call pathological naivete.  I use this term to refer to a person's compulsive need to take people at face value,  seeing, but ignoring the red flags that make it clear that the presentation doesn't match the facts. Pathological naivete is a trauma response to childhood adversity. 
     Pathological naivete is not the same as gullibility. The gullible person cannot see the red flags, due to deficits in perception and reasoning ability.
     A person who suffers from pathological naivete is not gullible or stupid.  They can see all the red flags.  When conducting a post-mortem of a disappointing relationship in which she was abused or mistreated, the person who suffers from pathological naivete will admit to seeing troubling behavior along the way that showed her the person was a poor relationship choice. The problem is, people who suffer from pathological naivete have a very, very high threshold or tolerance for cognitive dissonance, which involves maintaining a belief in two mutually exclusive and contradictory ideas at the same time.  

What's Behind Pathological Naivete? 

     Serious childhood abuse and neglect committed by parents or persons adopting parental roles is the foundation of pathological naivete. 
     Children are helpless.  They cannot survive in the world without their parents.  A child cannot allow themselves to see the abusive parent for what he or she is - dangerous, lethal, and terrifying. Because the child knows that the same fist that batters them, also hands them the glass of milk and plate of food. Its just that visceral for the abused child.  
     People who suffer from pathological naivete were forced to do more than just accept abuse:  they were forced to affirm the fantasy of the good parent and worse, mirror it back for the parent.  They were forced to reassure the parent of his or her earnest belief in the parent's goodness in spite of the obvious facts to the contrary.  The child had to do this for the sake of survival.  The child had to learn to really believe it, in spite of the daily reminders that the exact opposite was true.  The child learned to maintain in his mind, two equally real versions of the parent - the mean, bad parent that neglected and abused him, along with good, benevolent fantasy parent that loved him. If you asked such a child which version is the "real" parent, they'd be confused by the question, and probably respond "both".
    What is stolen from the child in such an abusive dynamic is the basic human right to reject abuse and harm.  Instead they must tolerate it, and worse, normalize it as part of the relationship with the parent.   So they learn to focus on the "good parts" when the parent shares a kind word or gesture, and learn to normalize abuse as a natural part of a relationship.
    Pathological naivete is different from trauma bonding. Someone suffering from pathological naivete experiences it in all types of relationships, just not romantic ones.  She won't allow herself to heed red flags in all types of social situations where she interacts with others.  So it doesn't just result in abusive, unsatisfying romantic relationships, but it also causes the sufferer to be taken advantage of in all types of relationships.

How to Recover from Pathological Naivete

    There is hope for people who suffer from pathological naivete.  With the help of a good trauma informed coach or therapist, someone who suffers from pathological naivete can learn to listen to their natural gut instinct that tells them to run when those red flags go up.  They can learn to stop overlooking abusive, hurtful and dangerous behavior.  In essence they can learn to THRIVE.  There is hope Beloved!

Stephanie Shipp, B.A., J.D. C.T.R.C.

http://www.thrivetraumarecoverycoaching.com/

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