NARCISSISTIC WORD SALAD: WORD GAMES THAT KILL YOUR SOUL







Does this sound familiar?

"Oh yeah? Well, what about when you . . . ." 

"You always over-react."

"I refuse to listen to this"

"I never did that.  You're crazy."

"I never do anything right, do I?"

"I dunno why I tolerate your craziness."

"You need your head examined."

"You know how you are . . . "

"At least my ex wasn't as crazy as you are"

   "You're not as pretty as my ex."




     The internet is full of content about narcissists, much of it described in the abstract.  But what does verbal narcissistic abuse actually look and sound like? Better yet, what does it FEEL like?  
     If you feel down, less than or demeaned whenever you spend time with someone, that's a BIG red flag that you're dealing with a narcissist. Narcissistic abuse is particularly mean and ugly because it is calculated to cut you to the core . . . . to damage your self esteem, your self confidence and your sense of well being. It's designed to make you question your perceptions and to make you feel less than and unworthy.
     It seems so foreign to think that a person would deliberately design word games and conversational gambits to make you feel bad - what normal person does that? Who would spend time and energy being that calculated?  
     The answer is someone who is driven by a compulsive desire to disprove their own deeply felt insecurity and powerlessness.  Narcissists have a dirty little secret:  they feel powerless and worthless.  All their life energy is focused on running from those feelings and covering them up with petty power games.  Although it sounds complicated, it really isn't.  The narcissist's thinking goes like this: 

     If the things I say get an emotional rise out of this person, that means I am powerful.  

     How do they do this?  Here are a few of their strategies: 

TRIANGULATION

     Narcissists triangulate you with another person or people in one of the following ways:
    1. making you feel bad about yourself by comparing you with someone else;  
    2. using details about the narcissist's  relationship with an ex to make you feel uglier, dumber, etc.;  
    3. disrupting the relationship between you and someone else by using lies to turn you against that person or vice versa. For example,  your narcissistic mother may complain to your brother about you, claiming you use her and steal her things or that you said mean things about him.
    4. creating what I'll call the "peanut gallery" -  the narcissist tells you that his friends, family or coworkers think badly of you, are critical of you etc, in order to manipulate you and make you feel bad about yourself. Chances are those people don't even know who you are because the narcissist has never even talked about you.  

ACCUSING YOU OF THE WRONG THEY THEMSELVES DO

     Narcissists are the kings of projection, and by that I mean they accuse you of their own actions.  If they are actively trying to alienate you from your family, they will accuse you of trying to keep them from being with their own family.   If they are jealous of you, they will accuse you of feeling jealous of THEM.  It makes it really simple to figure out what a narcissist is up to because they will accuse you of all the malevolent machinations they themselves are guilty of. 

GASLIGHTING

    Narcissists are the kings of gaslighting.  What is it? Gaslighting is trying to make someone doubt themselves by acting like something that happened never happened, something that was said was never said and so on.
     For example I caught my ex in a lie when we were talking about a member of his family who lived abroad.  He had forgotten that he told me an apparently false but very elaborate lie about going to visit this relative for 2 weeks several years ago.  So a few months ago he was talking about this relative and I mentioned his trip to visit her.  He said "I haven't been to see her since I was a boy".  When I pointed out that he had told me he went to visit her for 5 years ago, he denied ever having said that and having made that trip.
     Which part was true?  It doesn't matter - the point in the mind of the narcissist is to make you doubt your sanity. I fortunately am confident of my memory and recognized immediately what he was doing and called him on it. As is typical of a narcissist, his pulse hardly increased as he coolly replied "I never went there 5 years ago".   This is one of the many reasons he is my EX now.

 CONDESCENSION AND RIDICULE 

     Narcissists at the heart of it all, have nothing but contempt for their "supply" - a term given to the person they are using to get their sick needs met. The narcissist does not see their victim in any human terms.  They just see him or her as something to toy with, like a cat toying with a terrified mouse. Just as the cat seems to enjoy torturing the mouse, so does the narcissist enjoy his petty games.  But at the bottom of it all, he is disgusted by and is contemptuous of his victim.  He sees his victim as pathetic and stupid.  And the narcissist will often express this in the way he speaks to his victim.  Some of the narcissist's typical insults to express his contempt for his victim include:
     "You really are nuts"
     "You should have your head examined" 
     "No wonder people think you're crazy"
     "I'm not going to put up with much more of your crap" 
     "You don't even know what you are talking about"
     "What goes on in that head of yours!"
     "You're a waste of space"
     "I've about had enough of your nonsense"
     "This kind of crap is why I never introduce you to any of my friends"
     "You're an embarrassment"   
     "You're lucky to have me.  Who else would want you?"

PLAYING THE VICTIM WHEN CONFRONTED

     It's pretty much impossible to ever confront a narcissist about her abusive behavior because she will always use verbal warfare to throw you off -topic and  to get you on the defensive. A narcissist will do anything to avoid a conversation about HER bad behavior. One of the ways she may do this is by playing the victim.  When confronted with her abusive behavior, some of the verbal sidetracks she may usen are: 
     "I can't do anything right, can I?"
     "You always blame me for everything"
     "You expect me to be perfect, when you are anything but"
     "Why don't I just kill myself and get it over with?"
     "You're never happy"
     "No matter how hard I try, there's no making you happy"
     "Why do I even bother?"
     "You will stop at nothing to destroy me!"

DON'T IGNORE HOW ICKY IT FEELS 

     The point of all this is to give you some guideposts to help you navigate the verbal muck of interacting with a narcissist and, even better, give you an "ah ha" moment if you didn't previously realize what type of person you were dealing with. You deserve relationships that are fulfilling, positive and affirming.  Don't waste time on a narcissist. Narcissism is a personality disorder.  It's hard-wired into their brains.  Narcissistic personality disorder does not respond to treatment, therapy, or medication.  You are literally wasting your time if you spend it trying to change the narcissist or to make him or her see the error of his or her ways.  You deserve much more.  You deserve to THRIVE! 

Stephanie Shipp
www.thrivetraumarecoverycoaching.com

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Or drop me an email at:  stephanie@thrivetraumarecoverycoaching.com

     


     



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