CHILDLESSNESS AND CHILDHOOD TRAUMA: CHOOSING NOT TO PROCREATE

I'm pretty sure I don't have to tell you how much pressure women feel to have children.  Five decades after the feminism's second wave, women who choose not to have children still face significant ostracizing and shaming.  Motherhood is still held up as a woman's highest aspiration and most cherished role.

So being a childless, middle-aged woman can make you feel like the odd man out in any gathering . . . at best. At worst, you can find yourself shamed for not having children. Saying you don't want to have children is seen as synonymous with saying "I hate children".  People treat you like you are some type of insensitive monster. Selfish, self-centered, unfeminine, mean, bitchy.

So in the face of such pressure and shaming, what woman would choose childlessness?
Childhood trauma survivors do so all the time. And our numbers are growing.

Fear of Repetition Abuse 

If you were abused in childhood, inevitably you will ask yourself, "would I also abuse a child?" 

In fact, fear of turning into one's abuser informs the decision to not have children for many. We so often hear that people who abuse children were usually abused themselves in childhood.  This makes all survivors of childhood abuse fear that statistic may include them. They fear they will at some point start to feel compelled to do to children what was done to them. 

The truth, however, is that the vast majority of abuse victims do not grow up to be abusers. And definitely, seeking help to recover from abuse is the first and best buttress against perpetrating abuse. And the reality is, survivors usually become extremely empathic and sensitive to the suffering of others and wouldn't dream of inflicting it on others. 

Keeping Going Takes All I've Got

For some survivors, staying alive, and keeping both of their oars in the water uses up every single ounce of energy they have.  The process of living is not the invigorating, natural progression of  activities that it is for other people.  They daily battle suicidal ideation, anxiety, depression, triggering, dissociation, panic attacks and other devastating side effects of childhood trauma,  all of which sap them of their energy and life-force.

Many are constantly fighting what I call the "pill wars" - going on and off various psycho-pharmacological meds, trying to find the right combination to help them function better, fight off anxiety paralysis, life-threatening major depression and other side-effects of surviving a childhood full of horror. And when they manage to find one that works, they also have to manage their unpleasant side-effects.  

When you combine this all together, you get very little left over for the very big job of raising a child. 

It's OK To Say No to Kids

It is perfectly ok to say no to procreation.  There are a vast array of reasons that people choose not to have children that have nothing to do with childhood trauma. But the reality of being a childhood trauma survivor is this: a bigger chunk of your personal energy will be dedicated to attaining and maintaining your healing. That's less energy you have to devote to parenting.

Having said that, I will tell you that I have known childhood trauma survivors who have children and are fantastic, kick-ass parents.  They find a way to balance everything in harmony - it is do-able.

The point is - it's ok to choose - or to choose not to- have children.

Childless by Choice? Now What? 

I'm not going to lie - choosing childlessness is not easy.  There's a lot of pressure to choose procreation - and to explain why if you don't.  You will need a tribe to support you.  You'll need that friend you can call and confide in when you've had to endure a snarky comment from a co-worker or family member. 

A good starting point is to seek out others who have made the same choice.  You will find lasting comradery and friendship if you do.  Try getting involved in groups that support your childless choice:

FACEBOOK: 

"Two is Enough: A Couple's Guide to Living Childless by Choice" 

"Childfree Lifestyle"

"Don't Kid Yourself - Childless by Choice" 

INTERNET GROUPS: 

NotMom.com:  https://www.thenotmom.com/:  a community for the childless by choice and by chance. You might even consider attending the annual NotMom summit that they plan each year  or read and post on their forum, check out their resource of groups for the childless. 

Childless Mothers Connect:  http://www.cmoma.org/cmc/

Gateway Women: Childless by choice circumstance or infertility  https://gateway-women.com/

The point is, to create a life that you love and to THRIVE - with, or without, children.
It's your life, Beloved, live it the way you CHOOSE.

Stephanie Shipp. B.A., J.D., C.T.R.C.

http://www.thrivetraumarecoverycoaching.com/

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