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TRAUMA SURVIVORS: CAN WE FIND HAPPINESS?

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JULY 18 2020  STEPHANIE SHIPP B.A., J.D., CTRC CERTIFIED TRAUMA RECOVERY COACH SO YOU'VE BEEN SWEATING YOUR WAY   through recovery from trauma.  And little by little you've started to notice something . . . . . some days, you feel GOOD. You have moments where you feel something you thought was impossible for you - you feel HAPPY?!  Is that even possible? How can someone who suffered through what you have been through, feel HAPPY? Do you even have a right to feel happy?  Do you have to feel it all the time?  WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO FEEL HAPPY?  This sounds like an absurd question.  Doesn't everyone know what it feels like to be happy?  Sadly, many trauma survivors do not.  And it's not our fault.  Those of us who were raised by chronically unhappy parents who modeled nothing but dissatisfaction, sadness, anger and so on, never saw happiness in our homes. Many survivors were consumed with trying to just survive trauma - happiness was not part of that equation.  Happiness may
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CHILDLESSNESS AND CHILDHOOD TRAUMA: CHOOSING NOT TO PROCREATE

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I'm pretty sure I don't have to tell you how much pressure women feel to have children.  Five decades after the feminism's second wave, women who choose not to have children still face significant ostracizing and shaming.  Motherhood is still held up as a woman's highest aspiration and most cherished role. So being a childless, middle-aged woman can make you feel like the odd man out in any gathering . . . at best. At worst, you can find yourself shamed for not having children. Saying you don't want to have children is seen as synonymous with saying "I hate children".  People treat you like you are some type of insensitive monster. Selfish, self-centered, unfeminine, mean, bitchy. So in the face of such pressure and shaming, what woman would choose childlessness? Childhood trauma survivors do so all the time. And our numbers are growing. Fear of Repetition Abuse  If you were abused in childhood, inevitably you will ask yourself, "would I al
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RECOVERY FROM TRAUMATIC ABUSE: IT'S TIME TO COME OUT OF THE SHADOWS OF SHAME

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Let's face it - recovering from traumatic abuse is tough.  There's no two ways about it.  But recovery should not be an isolating experience.   Does your shame about what was done to you drive you into the shadows? It's time for a new model of recovery from traumatic abuse.  It's time for survivors to heal OUT LOUD AND PROUD. How can you start to do it? By claiming the wonder that is you as a survivor.  So take a seat, Beloved and lemme tell you the tale of YOU. Put The Shame Where It Belongs      Someone did something to you. Something painful, something terrible, something shameful.  But the shameful part doesn't belong to you.  It belongs to the shameless, creepy person that abused you. As survivors we MUST stop carrying the shame of our perpetrators.  We can't heal completely without doing so.  Many coaches insist that you can't even START the healing journey in earnest until you let go of the shame.      Holding onto the shame creates collateral
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PATHOLOGICAL NAIVETE: The Fairy Tale Believer

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  The Allegory of the Snake A snake is lying in the middle of a dark road on a cold, frosty night, slowly dying from exposure and hunger.  A young woman is walking down the road when she encounters the snake by nearly stepping on him.  Predictably, the snake hisses and coils up.  But then, considering his predicament, he thinks better of the attack and instead calls out to the woman.  "Please help me! I'm so cold and hungry!  Take me home with you and let me warm myself by the fire".  The woman shrinks back and exclaims, "No, I certainly won't! You're a snake and you will bite me."      The snake uncoils itself and lies on its back pitifully and beseeches the girl "No, no I won't. I'd be grateful. I wouldn't bite you.  Just pick me up and slide me in your pocket where it's warm and take me home so that I won't die in the cold dark night on this road all alone."  In spite of the snake's sharp glistening fangs an
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NARCISSISTIC WORD SALAD: WORD GAMES THAT KILL YOUR SOUL

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Does this sound familiar? "Oh yeah? Well, what about when you . . . ."  "You always over-react." "I refuse to listen to this" "I never did that.  You're crazy." "I never do anything right, do I?" "I dunno why I tolerate your craziness." "You need your head examined." "You know how you are . . . " "At least my ex wasn't as crazy as you are"    "You're not as pretty as my ex."      The internet is full of content about narcissists, much of it described in the abstract.  But what does verbal narcissistic abuse actually look and sound like? Better yet, what does it FEEL like?        If you feel down, less than or demeaned whenever you spend time with someone, that's a BIG red flag that you're dealing with a narcissist. Narcissistic abuse is particularly mean and ugly because it is calculated to cut you to the core . . . . to dam
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SHUT UP ALREADY!   When Depression Turns Your Brain Into A Lethal Inner Critic      Ever wish there was an "off" button for your brain? Does your brain chatter to you while you're asleep, reminding you of all the mistakes you've made?  Does it catastrophize incessantly until you wake up in a panic, certain your world is on the edge of catastrophe?       Welcome to the miserable land of untreated major depression and anxiety - the evil twin enemies of mental health.       There's a lot that psychiatry doesn't know about depression and anxiety - like why they usually go hand in hand. I recently saw a sadly accurate meme that said "Depression is not caring enough, Anxiety is caring too much".  That's a pretty accurate description of the hell a lot of us live in on a daily basis. The depression says "go crawl under the sheets and hide" and once you get there, the anxiety says "You're such a loser bum. Look at the stat
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Learned Helplessness: Has It Got You Trapped?

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     Have you ever wondered how those majestic beasts, the circus elephants, are convinced to perform in the circus for our entertainment?  I mean after all, they are GIANT beasts and could easily take down the tent and everyone in it.  How exactly does the trainer control them?      The analogy of the circus elephant is an elegant teaching tool used by Bobbi L. Parish M.A. in her video "What is Learned Helplessness?" And I'd like to use it here to help you understand exactly what learned helplessness is and how it works. Understanding it can help us approach victims of abuse with more compassion and caring. It may even help us find compassion for ourselves. The Analogy of the Circus Elephant      The trainer starts training the elephant when he or she is a baby.  In this analogy, I'll use "she".  She is little and not able to do much, taken away from her mother at a young age, she is small and helpless and doesn't understand the world.      So th
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